All i can do is sit here and look back, see what has changed, and see what will always be the same. situations full of;; why and what next? we all wonder why things change. just think about it...life would be so boring. same shit everyday, same styles, same age, same job, same people. oh yes that sounds like so much joy and happiness eh? not to me. i like change-to a certain degree. i dont like constant rapid change. but over time change would be nice. some things in life should be lived- whether hurtful or not. thats life. and also i think that life is not about becoming/or making yourself into someone. i feel that it is about staying strong + continuing to learn. life realli is too short to not do anything and sit around. these days you gotta always be moving in order to survive. pricesz are soaring, dangers on every corner...everything isz alwaysz changing. and now--im trying to figure out how to get off my ass and do something with my life. i havent been going to school, dont got a job;;im currently useless. for the past month what have i done? honestly;;ABSOLUTLY NOTHING! i have no education, nothing to do. the only things that HAVE changed are;; my address, my fone number, useless myspace shit, my taekwondo carreer, and goin to church. big whoop. i have not purpose.. what am i to do? well thatsz what i keep asking myself and God. "What am I to do, who do I talk to, where do I go?" etc. i just wish i could get some answers back. I am willing to do work, willing to do anything to feel useful and have a purpose. i know i have changed tho;;i no longer hurt myself or even have thoughts of hurting myself, i havent been drunk or underthe influence, and havent been getting into too much trouble. and i am steady trying to do better...but i have no waysz to continue. i cannot better my education, i cannot better my past, && im wanting to better my future..but HOW?! i will continue to change but i will always be me...

what am i to do?

I am thinking about what should happen wid some short time shxt...

So yeahhh...Right now i'm in my English Class once again. I have no fxckin idea what im doing. Not just like what im supposed to be doing in this class. But in my fxcking life. I dont exactly know who "i" am...or wtfxck imna do wid my lyfe. ehmm...dont realli know who my friends are. I can only trust family from now on. I gave everyone my trust but got hert too many times. so if you want me to trust you, prove that i can and should. well bakk to my life;;uhhh i used to be a "good student" in school...but now just barely passing my classes =/ i would normally try my best to get my dad's trust back but i continue to do shit that fxcks everything up. i try to do good, but in the middle of the process i give up and say fxck it and fall back. i cant seem to get on my feet again. and i have so much that i need to do...but get too lazy to do it. i have enough time in each day to get my homework done and COULD get better grades ehh..i just get stuck on the computer doing other stuff like listening to muziq and being on myspace n messenger talkin to my "friends" about absolutaly nothing. but even with this "negative" stuff comes wid the "postive choices" ive made;; like quit smoking (both cigarettes and dro)...but most times ppl dont believe me && i just fall back into that shxt....i know ive said it b4 that i am "serious this time" but fer real. I am tired of being paranoied about "getting caught" and havin to smell like shxt and knowing that i am lowering myself to have to resort to weed to "have fun". I mean yes;;partying is fun but there are more important things in life to do than that. some stuff i actually enjoy doing without partying and bein a loser..like my cousin tells me;; is showin my pride in my culture by (native)dancing && doing native youth olympics(NYO) && also my all time favorite sport;;taekwondo. other than that;;there is nothing special about my life except for my family. i would be nothing literally without them. without my parents;;i would have never got into taekwondo && stayed...without my cousins (mainly taylor) i would have stayed bein ashamed of being native && not wanted to feel "embarrassed" by dancing and doing the sports we do. without my little brother;;i wouldnt be wanting to change the things i do that lower myself...to be a better role model for him. without my sister i wouldnt learn from her mistakes...even tho ive found myself makein dem same ones. but also without my friends;;i would have never learned some stuff about myself;;like wid ex-boifriends ive learned that i always tend to make things complicated and "think too much". i dont like to just be chill wid stuff. i want things to stay the same;;but im the one to always change and fxck things up. but thats life right? gayy but everyone still goes thru it. no matter what degree or severity...everyone has their troubles. ive heard many people complain (not to say i dont) about their mom or their dad bein in their buisness all the time n shyt. but i appreciate what my dad does cuz i know that he is still here. he is (most of the time) "doing it in the best intrest of me". i may not show it all the time "the right way" but i am very thank-ful that i DO know my dad and he is still in my life. when i get mad and say i "hate" him and shyt...wen i come to my sences i feel stupid cuz i should be smarter than that n take what i got cuz i know so many people dont even KNOW their bio-parents. && yes my mom has passed away but i aint tryna be all depressed about it anymore. i was blessed to have her in my life...to teach me almost EVERYTHINg i know about this life...growin up wasnt hard for me. honestly i was a spoiled brat. ask my cousins haha. my parents always had food in the house, made sure we all had a bed for us to sleep, we always had a clean comforatble living place;;and still do today. my mom treated me so good. and i hate ever telling her some mean shxt. i dont regret it tho because it taught me to treat people better and it opened my eyes to life to cherish what you got. i know so many people that never had that growin up. theyy had parents who didnt give a shxt;;their parents never cared about their grades, was never there for dem to encourage them along, never cared about cleanliness, just let their kids do wahtever wenever. =/ honestly even if i was given the chance to do some stuff they do;;i would be afraid and have guilt of even THINKIN about doin somethin like that because i KNOW i was raised better than that. i have respect for people that i do not know, or do know and they are older then me. i know better then to scream and yell at some random person in a public place..just cuz they bumped me in line. people always have accidents and theres always gonna be that one person who appriciates and it puts a smile on their face when u say "sorry, or its ok" because they could've had a bad day and dont realli need some shit from some one they dont even know. i know it dont sound like much but i know fer a fact cuz it happened to me. it showed me that not everything/everyone is an ass. but thats one thing i learned on my own. my mom always taught me to respect my elders and care for others before i care for myself. thats what my mom always did;;she had a job at SCF where she took care of elders and set up activities and living stuff and EVERYTHING (almost) for the elders. No matter what race or age...she would care for them. and at home she did the same thing; always made sure us kids && my dad were comforatble and had food on the table every night, had clean clothes on our back, and a place where we can call home && open to our friends and other family members. i think that my mom was like the center strong-hold of my whole family. she always had her steady job and always made sure everyone was okay and safe. my aunties and cousins would always go to my mom for help. her friends too would talk to her about whatever. and no matter how she felt at the time;;she would always help and do what she could to help. not once had i heard her say "no" if someone asked for help. but if she COULDNT help them;;they would tell them where they could go to see if someone else could. i miss my mom dearly. but i know she died happy. she saw her 5 kids before she died;; me, my lil brother, my sister, and my 2 cousins. we were always her main priority and she was sure that we were safe and did what she could to make us happy. no matter how much of a hard time we would give her. but the day she died;; me n her got into an argument over some dumb shxt. i got mad bcuz she wouldnt let me go to my friends house. but like i said she always spoiled me and wanted me to be happy. even after all the shit i gave her;;she took me. i had blamed my self bcuz she died. i was telling myself that God had been punishing me for being disrespectful to her and not appreciatting life as it was, that i had to have whatever it was i wanted (like a spoiled brat). but now, i realized thats not what it was. at first i didnt want to accept that she was gone && stuff..until one day wen i was in northstar;; one of the staff--Zakiya said to me "God already has planned, the day you come into this world, and, the day you leave. There is nothing you can do about it, nothing to stop it, you have no control" and yes it took me a while but its true. i have to accept life for what it is and just enjoy my time with everyone in my life cuz i have no idea when i wont ever see them again. thats what makes me love my family more. yes friends would be there through thick and thin...but for how long? family is your blood and truely your friends for life. they will always be there and will always got your back, they will always forgive you (eventually) and accept you for you. but yeahhhhh. my family is my motivation to do stuff better for my life. i am going to make my life better for me, not for anyone else because i am going to be the only one to truely enjoy my accomplisments and im the only one who has to work for it. and i am happy that my family is there to encourage me. and my friends to help me along the way. but class is almost over...and i think ive typed...MOST of my feelings =] but cheyyyyaaa peace out fer now =]
--Tatiana♥

So yeah...Im just sitting here in school. bored as fxck. just got done reading my cousin's blogs. in fact he is the one who told me to come to mindsay...well yeahh yesterday was gayy, and the day before that, and the day before that and so on. my schedule has like no time for friends or just to hang out. it goes;; school, home, eat, "homework" aka myspace time, go to practice [[either taekwondo or dance practice or go to sobermute]], then come home, eat and finish homework and then go to sleep. yeahh seems like a little bit of shxt but it takes up my friggin day. and on the weekends i dont do much;;my friends dont come over or anything. dont get out much cuz my dad dont trust me very much, and i mainly just chill wid my favorite cuzzin [[taylor]] cuz its friggin fun as hell. but he dont take me out wid him n the "homies" much cuzz he said it seems like babysitting me? fxck that its my little brother that it seems like we have to baby-sit. and if he dont want me around then just take me and i will go off wid my friends or my new boifriend ramon. so cheya. he should know how it feels to be stuck in that friggin house;;especially on the weekends cuz of my crazy beaner dad. always bxtchin about something for some dumb reason. well yeahh i keep goin on about the subjects im talkin about cuz im in english rite now and my teacher thinks im writing the paragraphs we are supposed to be doin. i got most of em done but they are at home. Well yeahh--back to me..i love texting--i should have unlimited...thats what my dad says......i think......haha oh well. uhmmm i text family and friends...especially friends. OMG i love my friends! even tho some of 'em are temporary, they are fxckin halarious and make life seem "liveable"...i guess.. so yeahhhhhh OMG i mainly love my friends at tae kwon do [[my sport]]. friggin Reina is SOOOO cool mayn! haha me and her laugh like 24/7. we also kick sum friggin ass yo! haha we are friggin beaners! fer sherr man. take pride. i take pride in who i am and everything i do. i am Mexican/native and black and proud nigguh! haha what i do? i do fxckin taekwondo! hell to the muttah fxckin yes! that is my sport. everysince i was the youngin age of three! haha yessir. but yeahhh. i also love volleyball. shxt is fun as hell. i love contact sports but get bored watchin some sports like baseball, hockey, golf, tennis and stuff like that [[srry to the ppl who like watchin that stuff...i just dont]] well yeahhh ("im doin a good job working hard"...i guess--thats what my teacher just said. lol.) but yeah for me;; family is my priority. then school, then my sports, then my friends and everyone else. i have 2 brothers;; fernando jr., & randall. i have 3 sisters;; yvonne & yvette [[who i dont have contact with but wish i did]] and my older sister Crystal. My best friend is Taylor. He knows basically everything about me. litterally. i talk to him about everything. I know a lot about him too. idk if its everything but yeah. omg im gunna write a blog about him later...someday. haha. but yeahh class ends in like 25 minutes.
o0h snap! i forgot to mention muziq!--im in love with it. i guess everyone says shxt like that but i really mean it. i had an ipod but it got jacked. fxckin lozers that dont got money cant go buy their own...but a n y w a y s i took my little brothers and use it a lot. i listen to all kinds of muziq..from cultural [[native//mexican]] to like country and to hip hop and also r&b. my favorite is r&b. love songs of all kinds dont have cussing every two seconds. it is soothing and a lot of it has meaning. im listening to it rite now. haha. well yeahh class is going to be ending soon so i am gunna end this rite now..
this is just the beginning of what makes me who i am.
well i will write more laterrr..