holymotherfuckingshitbitchass! Man, today i'm so fckin irritated, i feel like just a mad little mexitive needin to let go...or at least to just get away... Everything keeps goin good, then goin bad, then back again, or it feels like everything changes, and some things that just never change. Ugh! I'm so frustrated. I don't know what to do. Can't go to anyone cuz this shit is my life and i gta make decisions for myself. No one knows what i want, except for me. But how do you help yourself when you don't know what it is that you really want? The main problems i got are; my dad, my boyfriend, and so much other bullshit that i ain't even about to start on. I'll deal with it like i have been. It feels like so fucking much though! FUCK! How much can a girl fuckin handle.?! Guess that's the test God is giving me.
I've always had problems with my dad, why should it be any different for me now? ugh. So he basically moved out. ++++ but he always shows up unexpectedly, when he showed up yesterday, all i heard was bitchin and saw things flyin across the room. Was he drunk? no, was he high? no [not that i know of], it was his birthday and i guess he just decided he had to come home and ruin everyones day.! Things were going just fine with out him. Every morning i clean my crib ; do dishes, laundry, clean the living room + bathroom. Hmm.. guess that's not enough for him. I mean we got 5 people living at home, why can't they take care of anythin else? GUESS WHAT?! WE DO! We make sure our house is clean, we make sure we eat, we make sure we get school work done, we know what we are fuckin doing! But shit not on this day, this day he had to come home, bitch at everyone, throw shit around, and make as much loud noise as he wanted, then when he got tired, he had to sit his ass in the middle of the living room. FUCK! its so irritating. What pisses me off the most is that he'll act like nothing fucking happened, every one else is pissed off while his happy ass just sits around and watchs tv.
My problems wit my "boyfriend" have been happenin so much more and hurts me more. I have standards because i know what i want and i know what i deserve. i know i deserve someone who has a future, someone who has or is getting their education, someone who is hella into sports like me :], someone who has a fuckin goal in life. and currently; he ain't doin most of the above. He changed so much from when we first met, i met him at school, he had a job, he planned to go to the army, he went to the gym everyday, and he made the fuckin effort to come see me when he wasn't doing anything. What a great guy i thought i found..... at least i thought. What is he now? *he's a drop out, jobless, lazy, and he don't even pay attention when i'm talking. He expects me to tell him whats bothering me and whats on my mind. I expect the same from him but it never happens no more. He said he was sorry for changin, but when you always say sorry and do nothing to change; it really really gets old. i'm starting to get tired of waiting for something that might never happen.... i want the great MAN that i THOUGHT i found. I miss the person who he was, the one that never had me in tears, the one that always knew how to put that smile on my face without hesitation.. most times without even trying. i miss how he showed he cared. i miss the little cute texts in the middle of the night, the late night phone calls, i miss who he was. Even with all the bullshit i been going thru, i havent changed who i was towards him. i'm starting to get bitter. bein a bitch to him. its cuz he isn;t the person who i been lovin since day one. How can you expect someone to understand what the fuck you're going through but you NEVER tell them what the fuck really is going on! And you know what bothers me the most? last night when i was talkin [AT] him, he didn't have shit to say. and when i said he changed; his response was "i'm not cheating on you" WOW! how great did that make me feel, and what great thoughts i had :] [sarcasm]
and see.. i been lettin him be lazy, i been lettin him do what the fuck he wants. but i guess i shouldnt. i'm gettin really tired of it. he asked whats wrong, thats the motha fuckin answer. i guess.. i just don't match HIS standards no more either.. if i ain't good enough to know whats going on in "MY BOYFRIEND'S" life, then WHAT THE FUCK! really man? Its like talking to a fuckin wall. The more i think about it, the more it pisses me off. I know i deserve to be treated right... at first, he was the only one that had everything right. i was actually amazing and a mesmerizing feeling he gave me. made me feel important and special... now all i feel is stupidity and madness + fuckin depressed. My mom Lorna taught me to always keep a sheild around my heart, funny thing is; i almost let him in. I always kept my guard up and a wall around who i am. but i let him in, i trusted him. Wonder if he cares enough about me to fuckin understand. Wonder if he'll be able to look back on how much changed, wonder if he'll "love me" enough to do better.. or at least grow up and just do better for himself. Until then, i guess i'll just sit on the sidelines lookin like a lost little kid. What a "great" feeling [sarcasm once again]
Fuck crying, fuck showin how i feel, fuck the bullshit: just like before i even met him, ima keep doin me and doin what i gotta do. He used to fit right into my life, he's slippin ; doesn't mean i gta bring myself down with him. I was raised to be strong and thats whats gna happen.
*Get wit it or get lost*
